Why is ABBA sending out younger holograms? Maybe they just couldn't be arsed to go on tour

by 24britishtvMay 15, 2022, 2 a.m. 12
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Roy Orbison has been dead since 1988 yet there’s a Roy Orbison concert from 2020 where he rises up from the ground in a white suit and looks around at the orchestra behind him – and the audience audibly gasps!

Naturally this was a hologram. They hadn’t propped him up with a stick or anything. Still, as entrances go, it was quite shocking. It could only have been creepier if he’d rolled out of a coffin naked and landed in the orchestra pit.

Whitney Houston was found dead in a bath 10 years ago, yet she’s been on stage several times since then – once with Christina Aguilera on The Voice. I don’t know how Houston would feel about all this but I’m pretty sure her dying wish wasn’t to make an appearance on a reality TV show.

Hologram technology has come on in leaps and bounds, and now it’s Abba’s turn. Even though they’re very much still with us. So why are they doing it? Maybe they couldn’t be arsed to go on our. Which is fair enough. Now they can just send their holograms out instead. But what I find interesting is that they’re sending younger versions of themselves.

The message seems to be: “Why have old Abba when you could have young Abba.” Ageing has become unacceptable.

Surely part of the fun is knowing that any one of them could break a hip at any moment. Isn’t the whole point that IT’S ACTUALLY THEM? To be in their presence. To smell their armpits. Otherwise you may as well just stay home and watch The Guns Of Navarone.

I suppose Abba don’t want people scrutinising their elderly faces – especially the women. We saw what happened after the Friends reunion. All anyone talked about was who’d aged worse! It must be pretty galling for them to have to watch themselves as they were for hours on end and then go home and catch sight of themselves in the bathroom mirror.

I watched a clip of Abba in those suits with the green screen balls attached that track their moves. So it is actually their movement, not some CGI robot pretending to be them.

Maybe it will be like that Scorsese movie, The Irishman, where they used technology to make Robert De Niro look younger. The face was okay but when he kicked a man to the ground he looked like Captain Tom putting a fire out with his slippers.

Yes, the technology is mind-blowing but we need to see old people doing stuff, otherwise we just assume they’ve died. Or that they’re physically not able to anymore. Look at The Rolling Stones – it’s practically a selling point with them – you want your Stones as old and craggy as they come – marching onto the stage like those skeletons in Jason and the Argonauts. It makes us feel better. We NEED older role models. “If those arthritic pirates can get up on stage, maybe it’s not too late for me to get a tattoo of an eagle on my hip.”

Imagine suggesting to Cher she pop those green screen balls on, so we can superimpose a younger version of her on top – she’d kneecap you! Cher looks younger than she did when she was actually young anyway. Maybe she’s been sending her hologram out for years.

Who’ll be next I wonder? My money would be on Kate Bush, because as we all know she’s not a fan of leaving the house. But is this our future too? Especially post-Covid.

Imagine being able to just send your younger, better-looking avatar out to vote or to the post office? It would be brilliant. As long as nobody tried to talk to us. We’d have to pre-load phrases, obviously. Things like “I’m an avatar, why not try putting your hand through my face,” or, “A book of 12 first class stamps please.”

Maybe we’ll have holograms at funerals and memorials next. Reading out their own wills whilst flicking the V’s at their relatives.

I wish there were more old people on TV so that we can look forward to getting older, instead of hiding our age. I know there are a few, David Attenborough, Mary Berry, Miriam Margolyes, but they’re a novelty – the majority are annoying, bland, young people.

What isn’t helping is that television commissioners are trying to get younger people to watch TV by having more young people on. I don’t think young people necessarily want to see other young people. When I was young the TV was littered with interesting old people. Now everything has got to appeal to the young. FORGET THEM!! – They’ve got Tik Tok….and their whole lives ahead of them. What have I got? Talking Pictures TV.

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